I dont know where to start even but hey many thanks to the one who craeted this site helped me alot already. But i have to warn cuz am not as good writers as some here so work with me

As i was sitting in my living room my mom came to me and said am thinking about going to somalia for a vacation and i want you to come with me. I was like mom isnt there a war right now over there and she replied well I'e been there twice already and besides where we're going is much more peaceful then Mogadishu and it hit me maybe i should go to my homecountry and see it with my own eyes. I was 16 and full of life and energy had just completed my secondary school education and finally felt my dads job was a bit permanent and we wouldnt have to move again. My dad is a diplomat and is from UAE but I always considered myself rather somali then mixed or anything else for that matter. Besides my somali part of my family were really open-minded people and sociable and very liberal. I thought do really want to spend your summer holidays in somalia where probably the internet is so slow you wont even bother and cant get all those silly things you love to use everyday like hot-water and Mcdonalds. At least i wont be sent back home to dubay like every summer for islamic behaviour courses ( and every somali who's lived in the Khaleej or the Gulf will know this)and just was waste of time because I thought i know what i could do and dont do, but after many convincing discussions I agreed and my dad though it would be the best thing for me to get in 'touch' with the somali part of me. After i asked for my best friend to join me we where set to go. I wasnt going to be all alone there and have no one to talk to then family. As we stepped of the airplane it something hit me in the stomach it wast the heat or the smell but the people and everyone i saw for miles were somalis

We went into the jeep and went to a house my mom built and i just could wait to go to downtown. I took a shower and changed clothes and started to walk with my friend and at least I had someone there who i could explore the place i was in. Then somebody yelled xamaraawi I laughed but not offended as I had so many times and I was definetly not going to tell them where am from because then the whole city is going to hear bells ringing 'the dollar man has arrived'

So as i had probably suqaar and steak for 4 days my friend Elias suggested we try this chinese restaurant called Ming-Sing in Hargeysa and besides its full of people like us ('foreigners' or dhaqan-celis in somali) and they play some music in the evening. So as we went there and had a nice dinner they played Donnel Jonnes and the real 'feel' of the trip kicked in we were in somalia and listening to You Know Wats Up. Then this guy who was tall and beautiful olive skin complexion walks up to me and says Where you from?. I started to laugh am in my own country and this guy says where you from. Its like wherever you go that question will haunt you everywhere but not in dubay where even can recognise me from what am wearing. I said am from London and that actually where i was living so it felt right. But i wouldnt have been botherd about it but then the stomach pain i had when i landed kicked in again. I though i had food poisoning but i went to the hospital the next day and everything was fine. That next day i was feeling rest-less i wanted to go back to that 'club' and my friend who we've been friends since our mothers use bath us together asked why i liked the place so much and at least i had a good excuse that was actually the only place that offerd some entertainment in the evenings. So we went there again and I saw the guy again and he wanted to know why I left so quick the other day. I just said my stomach was felling a bit funny and he said thats normal i had it when i came from south africa. And there our conversion kicked off and we were just talking for hours about how Somalia was and all the funny sides to it and happily enough and that why i loved him so much but my friend always was the social guy and quickly clicked with some new friends and didnt fell lonely. As it was already 2am we headed for home and Ismail promised us he would show us around the city as he already was there for 3 weeks. That night i had the same feeling again but it was much more pleasant this time but i was thinking about Ismail this time. But it was a feeling of friendship and how comfortable i felt around him rather then in sexual terms. The next day we toured the city and then my mom calls me on my mobile( the first thing i did was to buy a sim card) and tells me to come home. I said but i cant mom is it really important and that was it i knew i had to go. I apoligised to Ismail and him and my friend went and had fun and I had to come back. My mom said my grand mother was in Bosaso and we had to come and visit and my mom went to town and bought us some tickets and came back. She just said were going 2morrow so let Elias know were gonna go for a week and come back and if wants to come and his familly allows it he can join us. But then i felt weird and the only thing i could think about was Ismail. My mom was thinking it was the stomach again but i just went to the toilet and sat there. Mom knocked at the door all the time but the only thing i could say was am alright and just want to be alone for a while. My mom called my father thinking there's something major wrong but hey when you have a somali mom you will understand it they're just to protective of themselves. My mom told my father i acted so strange when she told me that were going to see my grand mother which i havent seen for so many years but instead of being happy he went to the toilet. My dad suggested i should go to a shrink and let some read Quran over me cuz he though i was over whelmed by the situation over there but boy didnt they know including me. I looked at the mirror why when confronted about going for a trip to your grand mom did u think about that guy. All these ideas went through my mind but nothing was clear it was like reading a 500 page book and not being able to tell a single thing about it. That next day I went to my friend told him about the news and to my dis-belief he wanted to come even tough he had so much family in Hargeysa. Then i called Ismail and told him to come by my ouse and so he did. I didn know how i would tell but then i told myself you've done this before, everytime you went on a holiday you would meet someone who's same age as you and also on holiday and you'd be sad that he's flying back the opposite side of the world and you're going somewhere else. I looked down all the time i was telling him about the trip and he said well i see there in 3 days. I just couldnt belief what he just said but he gave a clapp on my back and said ma anagaa wali is baraney ( We havent even started to get to know eachother). And he said he had to go home and do something but would meet up over a pool game. My freind came over and saw how excited i was and asked if i met some nice girl or something and it hit. All the mixed emotions and one time feelin like am high and the next time so sad it was just there in front of my eyes. It was him, but i could grasp it I just couldnt understand it just didnt feel right and i felt weird about it. Why would i be so happy and the next minute so sad over i guy I've known for 2 weeks and this suppose to happen whith girls not guys, and he was 19 and three years older than me what was it that we had in common but after some salty sea breeze from the Gulf of Aden would clear up some minds and besides i had a flight to catch


CONTINUES.

hey man

just to say welcome and nice to have a read of what is obviously an important point of self realization for you in your life.
Have a nice ride and journey on the waves of life,there are some truly beautiful waves to surf.
Keep well

Desert-Dweller,

Welcome to SGC and thanks for sharing your story. I find it very interesting and may I say that you are a good storry teller!!!!

Looking forward to the next episode.

Things are going to be tough for you! But you have a HUGE advantage! You understand what is going on, (I never did till it was too late), you are honest with yourself, honest as you can be with your piers and family, (I wasn't, till it was too late). Really I am so impressed with you and your fabulous true story. Please, please, take things steadily. In my opinion you are young and haven't had the experiences for you to know what descisions to make. No offence meant, and I hope none taken. You will never forget your new friend, whatever happens, and that is a gift in itself. GOOD LUCK and sincere good wishes. You are a fortunate man, but take things one step at a time. Whatever decision you take you will have to take the consequences. Keep SAFE, keep control, respect your self, then take what cums. Rob

welcome to the group lol,


I agree with you feel liberated that we have the liberty of being connected to eachother trough this medium called 'the net' lol. Sounds corny i know bt hey wha can you say!

Like your storyline, and people i will have part 4 of my story up very soon jst had other commitments to deal with....


XxX M-P

Good story, well done. Keep coming.

Well we landed early afternoon and as the plane was getting ready to land i saw for the first time what i was so excited about coming to somalia, beautiful white sand beaches and untouched for miles and miles. I couldnt wait to get my first dip in those green looking waters but when i stepped out of the airplane i knew i had to take a shower again cuz the heat was over-whelming but hey i was used to tempretures getting above 45 in dubai but then again i usually didnt stay during the summer period as every emirati,saudis and all the rest of the gulf would flood the streets of Cairo,Marrakesh,Paris or London but New York used to be fun that is before 9/11 and as soon as I got to the immigration desk and they saw my UAE passport i would cenrtainly spend 4 hours in detention with stupid questions asked like do you know Osama . I do but not that Osama . But one thing is out of question is wearing my traditional attire in America cuz i'd prbably have evry law enforcement agency over me loool but london is much more pleasant i mean I've worn both the somali macawiis and dish dasha or khamiis in central and just shows that your proud of where you come from. Anywayz we left the airport and went to my grand mothers house but to my disappointment, there's no internet connection in the house and because i would rather not carry my laptop to every internet cafe everytime i want to access the internet i payed for a room in a hotel that had free access. Besides when seeing people that didnt have that much money i didnt feel that bad because the rates are so cheap basically everyone could afford it.


I opened my luggage and to my disbelief my mobile phone was nowhere to be seen. I checked everywhere but still couldnt find it but as it was my only gateway to the rest of my world i.e. my friends i needed one badly. I went with Ismail and bought i new phone and atleast i had my uk sim cards and with it all my friends numbers but something was missing. There it was i didnt have mr confused me's number. I just said shit and my friend opened his eyes widely and said. Haytham u been acting strange these days whats going on with you, your not the guy i knew before we came to Somalia. I just ignored what he just said and just payed for the phone and started to walk towards the beach. He caming running after me and tried to apoligise for what he said and I just couldnt take it anymore. I said Elias i dont know myself whats going on with me i just feel different and i cant sleep well during these last nights and the crazy fact is I dont know why!. Well maybe it might be the heat getting to you and we started to laugh cuz both of us knew i lived most of our lifes in this kind of heat, and the place was just so beautiful i mean u could hear the water splashing as it came closer to the beach and the cool breeze and u had all these bibitos (sorry for the spelling people) they were like little cafe's selling xalwa and samboosas and drinks next to beach.


After a while and it was midnight this guy called Farax who was on holiday from Toronto came by and asked if he could join us. Well besides the usual connecion i.e. being somalis but the fact that we all come from abroad and could relate to each other in some way just made it so easy to have companions during the trip. He was 19 and my frined Ismail was 18 and i turned 17 while i was there and he wondered if we guys were interested to 'smoke'. Both of us looked at each other with astonishment i mean i had tasted it once bofere in london and took a toke and didnt feel nice but my friend had done it couple of times before and said yea why not.... and he spoke for me too cuz me and my friend had an agreement and that was if one of us wanted to try something the other had to do it too but it only applied once so i would have to do it again. Besides i was the one who used it lastest to try alcohol so i owed it to him:_b_link__: I just could see my mom right now as just we left for somalia she had said in the airport if you guys do something bad in somalia meanind drink or smokin she would not bail us out and that though alone gave me shivers all over my body as I had seen prisons over there were not pleasant and juvinile prisons forget it and all of you know what happens in prisons. As I had that tought i my mind the weed hit me and it was just fabolous I mean life was just great no one pageing you no one calling to see whee you are and i was with my best friend smokin pot on the bach aeting xalwa and drinking mirinda miss that drink damn. Was is the weed or the xalwa I dont know lool but i couldnt stop thinking about my girlfriend back in london who was my first crush in school. Then I said to myself the reason why i was feeling funny and acting strange was probably beacused I missed her so much but then that didnt explain why my thoughts were with Ismail and why I was thinking about a guy i met couple weeks ago then my girlfriend?. But then i said to myself you've lost his number and you dont know where in Bosaso he's going to stay in so just forget him. I woke up the next day in total ecstacy i was still high after last night and could see my friend lying in bed in the hotel room cuz none of us wouldnt dear go back to my grand mothers house this time and in this state. He was smiling whilst in sleep and I just couldnt stop smiling at him too I told myself I needed to stop my temprament from snappin everytime he asked me whats going on because he was right there was something wrong but i just stopped talking to myself and took a shower. I came out and Elias woke up and we had breakfast and went to my grand mothers house where everyone was waiting for us. I went in into the living room and gave a kiss to my granny and said sorry i couldnt come home and then my uncle said well he probably found a nice girl here and should stay and everyone laughed. But as everyone laughed my mom didnt she knew that if that was said about a local somali boy that wouldnt mean anything bad but i guy who was raised abroad there's only one thing the boy is secually active I could see the stare she was giving me and I just told my mom dont worry I know what you're thinking about and it isnt like dat and i started to laugh too. It cheered me up and i decided as long as I was laughin and having fun i wouldnt have all these funny feeling they would just go away.


At the fifth day and the usual routine of being at beach and playing fotball and i have to confess i really like the place cuz everything had something to do with the beach and i was just getting i nice tan and appreciating the fact that less people in the suuq was telling my friend anigana carabkan wax ha iga gato ( tell this arab to buy something from me too) and the unthinkable happened. I felt these most soft fingers ging through my hair and i had long hair and caressing it and i looked behind me and there he was mr BIG not the big from sex and the city but my Mr BIG and i just jumped and gave him a hugg and then realised that was probably not a good idea looool. But then he said you were obviously happy to see me, and I was just standing there couldnt utter a single word out of my mouth.

Should I apologise but then i would be admitting i did something wrong and hey we somalis do give hugs to friends but it was probably a hug to fast and too hard hahahaha, or should i just ignore the comment and just say something better like when did you arrive. I did the latter and he sat down but my exhilaration could be seen for miles. My friend Elias came back from playing fotball and said hi to Ismail and neither did he hug him or even shake his hand. I just went into silent mode lool I mean him and Ismail learnt each other the same time as me and he didnt give him the whole welcoming parade like I had done looool, but Ismail sensed it straight away and for some reason i couldnt grasp at that time he started to tell a story and that gave me some time time to catch my breathe cuz this guy made the ground i was sitting on feel like there was an eart queake going on. As it was getting late Farax our weed guy appeared from nowhere. I was thinking oh no and as i was about to tell Elias were not doing it again farax sat down and could see how my Elias's now addicion was shaping up as he's face just brightened up hahaha.


One thing lead to the other and my Elias asked Farax if he wanted to join us in the hotel room and besides we have two double beds so it isnt a problem and before i could say something he accepted the offer. And then Elias's face brightened up again it was like seeing your friend becoming a 6 yr old baby trapped in a candy store. I laughed and then he pointed out that we had sattelite tv in the room and guess what...........................


Ismail liked the idea! He said he hadnt watched any nice tv since he came, and as always before I didnt even had the time to say something Elias said well why dont you come and stay with us tonite too u can sleep with Haytham and Farax can sleep with me..... Ismail looked at me as Elias and Farax were talkin and smiled about the thought but it would take me a long time before i could i understand why he had that smile on his face.

To be continued.....

Hey Buddy! What happened to 'take one step at a time'? You were really on a buzz, and away from your close family. But 'they' love you too! For ever! When other people have used you and left you sad, 'they' will always be there. Please don't forget that. On the other hand, I so wish I had been there with you. In a way I am worrying what you are getting into, and in anothewr way, I think you are learning a lot, fast. I can't criticise as I have been a bad bad guy, but I did know that some mistakes the world forgives, and others you have to live (or die) with for the rest of your life. Hey, you interested in meeting a publisher? Rob

hi rob nice and thoughtful but mistakes are there to be made and learnt from. some take years to learn from their mistakes others a few days some never,to over protect anyone from the rigors of experience is to deny them the option to learn from them and become potentially a better stronger person.
Not all of us as said make it through some of them but hey thats part and parcel of existence.
The desert dweller judging from his story is not exactly a damsel in distress or ignorant of life's downs and ups i am sure he is coping very well .
keep well

Hey guys thanks for all the advice but this happened way back and am not that 16 yr old kid any more even tough i wish, and that was 6 yrs ago and ye you worked it out right am 22 loool.

Part 3:

We came to the hotel lobby and from experience i knew i had to pay for my guests to stay over in my room so as i was about to take out some money from my pocket the receptionist asked what i was doing. I said how much is it for having a visitor stay over and he laughed. I got a bit embarrassed and asked why he laughed and he said 'well dont you guys grow up fast in Europe and America'. I asked what he was talking about as I felt like he could see my crown jewel looool. He said you already having hookers over to your room and you're only 16. No No I said am not having hookers and then he said then who was the visitors and I replied just some male friends and to my surprise he said we dnt charge for guy friends but if your having female 'friends they would charge money. At that time when i didnt even know i had any tendencies for men i thought it was alright but even now i still laugh when i think about it because it's more accepted and economical to be gay/bisexual and lesbian in somalia provided you keep it on the low.

I opened the the door to my room and everyone just sat on the beds and they were huge and we started to watch a movie and then my friend Elias and Farax from toronto went downstairs to buy some cigaretts and me and Ismail were left alone. He told me that his mother lived in London and he was born there and that explained his good english but then again he lived in south africa. There it was, I was fascinated not by the story but by his face and those lips and the way he cut his berd and hair. As i was occupied with my dream Ismail had taken notice to this kid being somewhere else mentally. As I woke up from that dream I could see him smiling and not talking.

Why did you stop the story and he replied that he just finished it loool and we both knew what i was up to and that just later made me realise whatever I didnt know about my thought and feelings Ismail knew all about it. I realised he was the cause of all these feelings but I wasnt aware the reason of my thoughts about him i.e being attracted to him, But I had this sense that he knew everything about it and he was cool with it as everytime i started to see him differently he just brushed it off and never put me to te spot he just let me be myself, and that was the reason why i felt so relaxed when iwas with him and that explained my yearning of being with him all the time and feeling uncomfortable when not with him.

I said that he was a very nice person and a friend but that when our holidays had ended we would separate paths and probably not see each other gain no matter how much we promised and wished for. He said Haytham it doesnt matter where we live and where we go but somehow we would see each other and said in somali 'Gacal isma waayan' meaning People dear to each other would always share the same path. But this term gacal is used for both love terms but also for very close family members so as i was thinking about what this meant the other guys came through the door, and it wasnt only cigarrets they bought but a bag full of weed, and I mean am not a big fan of recreational stuff but you know when you're on a holiday some people just let go of their tirely life and just o with the low cuz it wont hurt to have fun a bit cuz everyone nows soon you'll be back to the routine but i was getting a bit worried that my friend was getting a bit too excited about this weed loool.


And there I was sitting with my best friend and other nice people and being stoned to almost death and the balcony that just gave you a dose of fresh breeze and the curtainf flying in the wind, I just felt so great and asked why life couldnt be this nice all the time. The whole night I was just watching this guys beutiful smile and his eyes shimmering from the light of tv as the rooms lights were turned off. I was just sitting there as all the other three were occupied with the movie and i was just 'floating' in the sea of euphoria and couldnt stop thinking about him.

I took a cigarrete with me and went to the balcony and lit it with passion. Everything just felt great and seing the city lights at night and to amazment all the young kids walking in shorts and South pole sweaters but hey everyone knew that the 'goreign' somali boys were the only one out these times and locals were just being kept inside the houses and worrying about they're exams or 'dhoof' meaning leaving the country as they're isnt any jobs for graduates of any sort in Somalia. As i was finishing my cigarrete Ismail came after me and lit one too. He looked at me and said it feels great huh! I said yea the cigarrete was nice and he laughed. I didnt mean the cigarrete but being in Somalia and now I could see he was lying . After that not a single word came out between us but both knew why. As he finished he gave me a quick glance before we went back to the room and that kicked it off more laughter and me realing this guy could make the situation tense and cool it down whenever he wanted it and I was just going along in his project. I knew i wanted him and when that fact settlet in my religious thinkings came like floodings and made me feel so different. I confronted all those ideas but not fully as I was occupied with everyone else and these thoughts were being interupted with sayings like pass me the lighter and give me this and dat. But Farax and Elias were getting tired and said they would sleep and then Ismail whispered to me why dont we sleep in the balcony as its nice weather and its a normal thing in somalia to sleep outside, but it felt so ackward and i knew what would proceed with the lack of the presence of onlookers if we were by ourself. I sad no and came up with a silly excuse that we had air-con in the room and it would get pretty warm soon as it was already 5am. The look on his face just made me realise and prove what intentions he had for the little suggestion he had and made me realise for a fact that these were the feelings I was having for him too. But the guilt feeling and all the flash backs i was having about all the prizes i won for my koran readings and all the expectations my family had for me just stopped me.

I asked myself lying they're in bed what I have 'become', where I was heading and just WHY WHY WHY me?
And most certainly it didnt help having the _object_ of my confusion in bed with me wearing very khafiif macawiis which is like a somali sarong worn by men. I didnt sleep that night pondering all the time about the place and situation i was in that the fact that I was the other side of the world in Africa and being in a bed with another man and having all these thought about him and then reading verses of thee quran and wishing this nightmare could just go away. I told myself the fact that i was away from my normal setting and with all my friends and family was the reason why i felt this way now and as soon as I got back to London everything would return to normal. But then I laughed and thought to myself well the next time you go on a holiday like LA what would you become then I realised the silly cover-up i was playing and just laughed at it cuz i just knew what all this was about and that it was just a fact and I couldnt fight it. Well Ismail laid notice to my laugh and obviously he wasnt sleeping although he was good enough actor to fool me. He said why you laughin with a sorry theme to his face as he was probably contemplating about what excuse he would tell everyone if i had confronted him about the little 'offer he gave me that night But I was just so caught up with the emotions and how silly I was that I just said it.
Its YOU that am laughing at.

Those words opened there and then to the floodgates of a roller coaster that would take on the voyage of life full of emotions and sadness, to being on top of the world and wishing I was dead, to going great lengths to keep a secret to being yourself in a secluded and being so close to being aught situations .


TO BE CONTINUED.