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I have found writing this story very difficult; it took me a long time starting it and even longer finishing. A story based around my homosexuality and how I came to terms with it.
There have been countless research’s to determine whether someone is either born gay or becomes one during the course of their lives. And none of them are conclusive, that’s why I believe that it’s both.
My sexual journey comes in two stages. As a young man I was completely straight and I can honestly say that I never came across any reference of homosexuality or a gay person. Although with laws of probability, I am sure there were, just good at keeping it all on the downlow. I come from a family where sex was never discussed at all even between my brothers. We used to change channels even when a man and a woman were kissing on TV.
The turning point was when I was around 16 years old in my second year of school (this country’s equivalent of O levels) where I had a complete change in just a month or two. There was a girl I liked in my class where we were actually making plans to have sex when her parents go away. And suddenly, I stopped finding her attractive including females in general. At the same time there was a boy who sat on my right in my class and for purpose of discretion, lets call him Romeo. I slowly become fascinated by him, first his smile then his cute face, lips, legs, ass and before I knew it, I was very emotionally and sexually attracted to him. I was baffled on where this came from and what this 360’ change meant.
For the first 2 years I never looked at my new sexuality in relation to my religion or culture. The only thing I ever though of was keeping it all hidden, not telling anyone or showing it any way. Just continue my silent admiration (or rather obsession) with Romeo. But the funny thing was that, years later I had come to realize that Romeo was gay. He used to hold my hand in public, look at me sexually and even make sexual innuendos. However it all went over my head, I guess my gaydar was yet to be activated. H used to tell me (with a wink at the end) that he could sleep with anyone and even ask me directly if I was gay. And my answer was “Of course no, don’t be ridiculous” as I was too concerned about keeping my attraction towards men a secret. I am sure some can understand that its difficult to reveal same sex attraction especially when you don’t know any other gay man or know what it involves. Thus I never had any sexual encounter with another man for the first 2 years.
After I finished school, I came to the UK to continue my studies and lived with some of my brothers and sisters. The two years in the UK are what I call my ‘dark ages’. It is the time when I started to think what my homosexuality meant in relation to my family, culture and most importantly religion. This left me very confused and honestly depressed. At first glance, I knew my siblings were homophobic and being gay is not something that is condoned in somalian culture or in Islam. Since I didn’t have anyone to talk to, it felt like a raging storm within myself.
Looking back on this period, I think I was more confused because of the lack of any outlet to help me make sense of my situation. There was no one to talk to, no service that I felt comfortable accessing or even role models. I realize asking for a somalian gay or lesbian role models would be too much to ask for but just a black gay role model would have been an immense help.
Thus during this time I deliberately stopped myself having friends because I did not want to be friends with anyone who I could not be completely myself around them. I hardly went anywhere, spent all my time in-doors even during summers. I ate too much fast food for comfort, which made me put on a lot of weight. Its hard to admit this but I lived life back then as a zombie, no passion, no joy not even a sense of direction.
I guess its true that when you hit rock bottom, there is nowhere to go but up. This was around the same time that I watched the movie Shawshank Redemption and there is a famous line by Morgan Freeman who says that “YOU GET BUSY LIVING OR YOU GET BUSY DYING”. And I just thought to myself, I only have one chance at life and it’s a precious gift from god, which I need to utilize to its fullest. I need to start enjoying life, live and do things that make me happy.
Therefore I started to get back into all the things or hobbies that I use to enjoy growing up for example sports. In a few months, I lost all the weight and I got online to search for places like bars or clubs for black gay men (thank god for Google). I found this particular club, which was not far from where I lived. On the big night, I made sure I cut my hair and wore my best gear, which gave me a little confidence, as I was a nervous wreck. I got to the club and I circled it three times to muster enough courage to join the queue and when I got inside, I was literally in heaven. I always thought I would only be one of very few black gay men but there I was surrounded with couple of hundred black gay men (not exaggerating). It was amazing! Words cannot begin to describe what I felt. This was more than a mere outlet it was a whole environment and the surprising part was that most of the men did not fit the stereotypical gay image, they were just regular guys.
I had my first gay sexual experience (all the way) on this first night at the age of 21, five years since I started to be attracted to men. Its like the last horse finally crossing the finishing line, but you’ll be glad to know that I made up the lost time!
It was shortly after that I met my ex-boyfriend who I spent 4 years with. He was older than me and knew everything about the gay scene. Despite our relationship ending, one thing I will always be very grateful to him for is the fact that I grew up (as a person) being with him. He gave me a lot of leeway to experience everything but always there to guide me through the tricky waters of the gay scene as well as life.
It was a few months into my relationship that I came out to my family. It started with my siblings being concerned that I wasn’t myself, specifically my behavior. As previously I was always at home, not doing anything and sadly quite but now I was always cheerful and out of the house all the time. And when I was asked what was going on, I just came out that I was gay.
Well this led to the usual dramas of shock, tears and endless persuasions to turn me straight. They first tried to make me feel guilty and think about the family, our religion and culture. Then it was to persuade me to join a religious school to hopefully get the devil out of me. And finally asking me to go back home for a while so that I would be away from the western lifestyle, which will allow me to think clearly. But I knew that if I was to go home then I would never be back again and back there I would be at their mercy. I do not exaggerate when I say that I have a very homophobic family that would rather have a dead sibling than a homosexual one.
After couple of weeks of these kinds of persuasions, they realized that it was not working and that I was gay and nothing could ever change that fact. Thus they asked me to leave. The word difficult time would be a gross understatement, I had to build my life again as hard as it was. As I said before, I chose to be busy living. This led me to come out when I was university and at work too. I am completely out, I may not go around telling people I am gay I don’t hid or change myself for others benefit and never lie when asked if I am gay.
As I am sitting here writing this story, reminiscing about my coming out to everybody, I couldn’t help but wonder, given the same circumstances would I do it again? Absolutely, over and over again.
The fact that I live a completely open life does not mean I advocate that everyone should come out as well. I think for every gay men and women out there to live a happy life they need to come out to themselves not to others. This is to accept within yourself that you are gay, will always be gay and there is nothing wrong with that, regardless of staying in the closet or getting married. Everyone should live their lives according to what they want or feel comfortable with. If you want to come out to your family, then that’s fine as long as you are fully aware of the consequences. And if you want to keep it a secret forever then that’s fine as well.
Lastly, I come to my involvement with the creation of the somalian gay community website. It was around 2005 when me and a group of friends, started meeting up regularly to discuss how we can create a space or medium for somalian gays and lesbians to interact and positively influence each other. However, I also had another motive why I ventured into this project, because I was felt that many of my gay brothers were wasting their lives. I was tired of seeing so many of my brothers coming out into the scene but just after some time, I see them dropping out from college/university, drinking silly, some taking drugs, going out 7 days a week and just ending up with menial jobs. It’s the loss of direction leading to so much ability and opportunities being wasted repeatedly. I hope I don’t come across as a party pooper because I have an active social life but the difference is having priorities, recognizing and investing more time and effort into those areas that are more important.
I guess some don’t realize that being gay does not change any part of you as a person. Sexuality only forms a small part of many that make you. You should not feel inclined to conform to the stereotypical “gay lifestyle”, just be you and create your own lifestyle.
I hope my story if not only to inspire but just to make someone think about themselves in relation to their sexuality and hopefully realize that its okay, then it would make it all worthwhile.
I bid you farewell dear reader. ABDUL
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