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I have found writing this story very difficult; it took me a long time starting it and even longer finishing. A story based around my homosexuality and how I came to terms with it.
There have been countless research’s to determine whether someone is either born gay or becomes one during the course of their lives. And none of them are conclusive, that’s why I believe that it’s both.
My sexual journey comes in two stages. As a young man I was completely straight and I can honestly say that I never came across any reference of homosexuality or a gay person. Although with laws of probability, I am sure there were, just good at keeping it all on the downlow. I come from a family where sex was never discussed at all even between my brothers. We used to change channels even when a man and a woman were kissing on TV.
The turning point was when I was around 16 years old in my second year of school (this country’s equivalent of O levels) where I had a complete change in just a month or two. There was a girl I liked in my class where we were actually making plans to have sex when her parents go away. And suddenly, I stopped finding her attractive including females in general. At the same time there was a boy who sat on my right in my class and for purpose of discretion, lets call him Romeo. I slowly become fascinated by him, first his smile then his cute face, lips, legs, ass and before I knew it, I was very emotionally and sexually attracted to him. I was baffled on where this came from and what this 360’ change meant.
For the first 2 years I never looked at my new sexuality in relation to my religion or culture. The only thing I ever though of was keeping it all hidden, not telling anyone or showing it any way. Just continue my silent admiration (or rather obsession) with Romeo. But the funny thing was that, years later I had come to realize that Romeo was gay. He used to hold my hand in public, look at me sexually and even make sexual innuendos. However it all went over my head, I guess my gaydar was yet to be activated. H used to tell me (with a wink at the end) that he could sleep with anyone and even ask me directly if I was gay. And my answer was “Of course no, don’t be ridiculous” as I was too concerned about keeping my attraction towards men a secret. I am sure some can understand that its difficult to reveal same sex attraction especially when you don’t know any other gay man or know what it involves. Thus I never had any sexual encounter with another man for the first 2 years.
After I finished school, I came to the UK to continue my studies and lived with some of my brothers and sisters. The two years in the UK are what I call my ‘dark ages’. It is the time when I started to think what my homosexuality meant in relation to my family, culture and most importantly religion. This left me very confused and honestly depressed. At first glance, I knew my siblings were homophobic and being gay is not something that is condoned in somalian culture or in Islam. Since I didn’t have anyone to talk to, it felt like a raging storm within myself.
Looking back on this period, I think I was more confused because of the lack of any outlet to help me make sense of my situation. There was no one to talk to, no service that I felt comfortable accessing or even role models. I realize asking for a somalian gay or lesbian role models would be too much to ask for but just a black gay role model would have been an immense help.
Thus during this time I deliberately stopped myself having friends because I did not want to be friends with anyone who I could not be completely myself around them. I hardly went anywhere, spent all my time in-doors even during summers. I ate too much fast food for comfort, which made me put on a lot of weight. Its hard to admit this but I lived life back then as a zombie, no passion, no joy not even a sense of direction.
I guess its true that when you hit rock bottom, there is nowhere to go but up. This was around the same time that I watched the movie Shawshank Redemption and there is a famous line by Morgan Freeman who says that “YOU GET BUSY LIVING OR YOU GET BUSY DYING”. And I just thought to myself, I only have one chance at life and it’s a precious gift from god, which I need to utilize to its fullest. I need to start enjoying life, live and do things that make me happy.
Therefore I started to get back into all the things or hobbies that I use to enjoy growing up for example sports. In a few months, I lost all the weight and I got online to search for places like bars or clubs for black gay men (thank god for Google). I found this particular club, which was not far from where I lived. On the big night, I made sure I cut my hair and wore my best gear, which gave me a little confidence, as I was a nervous wreck. I got to the club and I circled it three times to muster enough courage to join the queue and when I got inside, I was literally in heaven. I always thought I would only be one of very few black gay men but there I was surrounded with couple of hundred black gay men (not exaggerating). It was amazing! Words cannot begin to describe what I felt. This was more than a mere outlet it was a whole environment and the surprising part was that most of the men did not fit the stereotypical gay image, they were just regular guys.
I had my first gay sexual experience (all the way) on this first night at the age of 21, five years since I started to be attracted to men. Its like the last horse finally crossing the finishing line, but you’ll be glad to know that I made up the lost time!
It was shortly after that I met my ex-boyfriend who I spent 4 years with. He was older than me and knew everything about the gay scene. Despite our relationship ending, one thing I will always be very grateful to him for is the fact that I grew up (as a person) being with him. He gave me a lot of leeway to experience everything but always there to guide me through the tricky waters of the gay scene as well as life.
It was a few months into my relationship that I came out to my family. It started with my siblings being concerned that I wasn’t myself, specifically my behavior. As previously I was always at home, not doing anything and sadly quite but now I was always cheerful and out of the house all the time. And when I was asked what was going on, I just came out that I was gay.
Well this led to the usual dramas of shock, tears and endless persuasions to turn me straight. They first tried to make me feel guilty and think about the family, our religion and culture. Then it was to persuade me to join a religious school to hopefully get the devil out of me. And finally asking me to go back home for a while so that I would be away from the western lifestyle, which will allow me to think clearly. But I knew that if I was to go home then I would never be back again and back there I would be at their mercy. I do not exaggerate when I say that I have a very homophobic family that would rather have a dead sibling than a homosexual one.
After couple of weeks of these kinds of persuasions, they realized that it was not working and that I was gay and nothing could ever change that fact. Thus they asked me to leave. The word difficult time would be a gross understatement, I had to build my life again as hard as it was. As I said before, I chose to be busy living. This led me to come out when I was university and at work too. I am completely out, I may not go around telling people I am gay I don’t hid or change myself for others benefit and never lie when asked if I am gay.
As I am sitting here writing this story, reminiscing about my coming out to everybody, I couldn’t help but wonder, given the same circumstances would I do it again? Absolutely, over and over again.
The fact that I live a completely open life does not mean I advocate that everyone should come out as well. I think for every gay men and women out there to live a happy life they need to come out to themselves not to others. This is to accept within yourself that you are gay, will always be gay and there is nothing wrong with that, regardless of staying in the closet or getting married. Everyone should live their lives according to what they want or feel comfortable with. If you want to come out to your family, then that’s fine as long as you are fully aware of the consequences. And if you want to keep it a secret forever then that’s fine as well.
Lastly, I come to my involvement with the creation of the somalian gay community website. It was around 2005 when me and a group of friends, started meeting up regularly to discuss how we can create a space or medium for somalian gays and lesbians to interact and positively influence each other. However, I also had another motive why I ventured into this project, because I was felt that many of my gay brothers were wasting their lives. I was tired of seeing so many of my brothers coming out into the scene but just after some time, I see them dropping out from college/university, drinking silly, some taking drugs, going out 7 days a week and just ending up with menial jobs. It’s the loss of direction leading to so much ability and opportunities being wasted repeatedly. I hope I don’t come across as a party pooper because I have an active social life but the difference is having priorities, recognizing and investing more time and effort into those areas that are more important.
I guess some don’t realize that being gay does not change any part of you as a person. Sexuality only forms a small part of many that make you. You should not feel inclined to conform to the stereotypical “gay lifestyle”, just be you and create your own lifestyle.
I hope my story if not only to inspire but just to make someone think about themselves in relation to their sexuality and hopefully realize that its okay, then it would make it all worthwhile.
I bid you farewell dear reader. ABDUL Af soomaali Sheekadaydii
Aniga aad bay iila adkayd inaan sheekadan qore; Waxayna igu qaadatay mudo aad u dheer inaan bilaabo iyo inaan dhameey. Sheekadu waxay ku saabsantahay khaniisnimada iyo sidii aan aan anigu u iyada u aqbalay.
Waxaa jiray baadhitaano aan faro ku tiris lahay oo lagu ogaanayay in qof khaniisnimada ku dhasho iyo in qof noqdo xiliga noloshoodu socoto. Labada midkoodna maahan hubaal sidaa darteed ayaan u aaminsanahay in ay labadaba tahay.
Socdaalka galmadaydu waxuu ku imaanayaa laba marxaladood. Markii aan ninka yar ahaa anigu waxaan ahaa qof galmada cakiska ka hela ah iyo aniga oo si daacada u oran kara in aanan anigu weligay ka hor iman wax lagu tilmaamo khaniisnimo ama qof khaniis ah. Inkasta oo marka sharciga suurogalka, aan anigu hubo inay jireen, laakiin ay si fiican hoos u qarin jireen. Anuu waxaan ka imid qoys aan galmada sideedaba weligeed laga hadal xataa wiilasha dhexdooda. Anaku waan bedeli jirnay janalada xataa marka nin iyo naagi is dhunkanayaan telefishanka ka socdaan.
Meeshaan iska rogay waxay ahayd markaan anigu ahaa 16 sano jir iskuulka galaaska labaad (wadan waxay u dhigantaan heerka O) halkaas waxaa aniga igu soo maray isbedel buuxa bil ama laba bilood gudahood. Waxaa jiri jirtay gabadh aan anigu galaaskayga jeclaa taas oo aan dhab u samaynaynay qorshahii aan isku wasi lahayn markay waalidkeed tagaan. Iyo isla mar, aniga oo joojiyay inaan u arko iyada wax soo jiidasho leh marka lagu daro dumarka guud ahaan. Isla xiligaas waxaa jiiray wiil kaas oo midigta iga fadhiisan jiray galaaskayga iyo ujeedada siraynta, aan ugu yeedhno Romeo. Aniga si tartiib ah ayuu isagu u noqday wax ijiita, markii ugu horaysay ilko cadayntiisa dabadeed wajigiisa qurxoon, dibnihiisa, lugahiisa, futadiisa oo intaan dhaadin, anigu aad baan dareen ahaan iyo galmo ahaan uga helay. Anig way iga yaabisay halka ay ka timid iyo waxa 360 wareega isbedel macnahiisu yahay.
Labadii sanadood ee ugu horeeyay anigu waligay uma galmadayda sida ay u saamayso diinta iyo dhaqanka. Shayga keli ah ee aan anigu ka fikiray waxay ahayd inaan qarsiimo ku ilaaliyo, aniga oo aan qofka u sheegin ama tusin siday doontaba.
Bes waxaan waday qushuucis sir ah (ama ku dhadhaw) aan u hayo Romeo. Laakiin ta qosolka lahayd waxay ahayd, sanado ka dib waxaan gaadhay in ogaado in Romeo ahaa khaniis. Isagu gacanta buu wadada igu qabsan jiray, si galmo leh ii eegi jiray oo uu xataa sameeyay soojeedin galmo. Hasa ahaatee tani dhamaanteed madaxayga bay dulmartay, waxaan u malaynayaa inaan raadarka khaniisnimadaydu u baahna in a la istaadho. Waxuu isagu ii sheegi jiray (iyada oo iljabis ka danbeeyo) in uu isagu qofkasta la seexan lahaa oo uu xataa si toos ah ii waydiiyay in aan anigu khaniis ahay. Iyo jawaabtayda oo ahayd ‘dabcan maya, ha nacasoobin’ maadama aan anigu ku mashquulsanaa inaan soo jiidashada aan raga u qabo ii ahaato mid sir ah.
Anigu waxaan hubaa in dadka qaar fahmayaan in ay iyadu adagtay in la muujiyo dareenka loo qabo qof kula sinji aha gaar ahaan marka aadan adigu garanayn ninka kale oo khaniis ah ama aqoon waxay ay sideedaba macnaheedu yahay. Sidaa darteed anigu marnaba lama samayn wax galmo ah nin kale 2 sanadood ee ugu horeeyay.
Ka dib markii aan anigu dhameeyay iskuulka, waxaan imid Ingiriiska si aan u sii wato waxbarashadaydii oo aan la degenaa qaar ka mid ah wiilasha iyo gabdhaha aan walaalaha nahay. Labadii sano ee ugu horeeyay Ingiriiska waxay ahaayeen kuwo aan anigu ugu yeedho ‘sanadahii madoobaa’. Waqtigani waxa uu ahaa markii aan anigu bilaabay inaan ka fikiro waxay macna khaniisnimadaydu ahayd marka loo eego dhinaca reerkayaga, dhaqanka iyo ugu muhiimsanaan diinta. Tani waxay igu reebtay iskubuuq iyo daacad ahaan nolol nacayb. Arigta ugu horaysay, anigu waxaan ogaa sida kula ila dhashay khaniis nacayb u ahaayeen iyo in khaniisnimadu ahayn wax aan dhaqanka soomaalida iyo diintuba amaanin. Maadama aanan anigu haysan qof kali ah oo aan la hadlo, waxaan dareemay inaan dagaal baxaad leh iskula jirey naftayda gudaheeda.
Waqtigan marka dib loo eego, anuu waxaan u malaynayaa in aan aad isugu buuqsanaa maadama oo aany jirin sinaba naqisaaris iga caawisa inaan xaaladayda fahmo. Muu jirin qof aan la hadlo, muu jirin xarun aan dareemayo markaan isticmaalayo nafis ama xataa cid aan ku daydo. Waxaan ogaaday anigu raadinta soomaali khaniisiin ah oo aan ku daydo inay ahayd waxbadan wadiisasho laakiin xataa khaniis madaw oo aan ku daydo waxaan la koobi karin buu I caawin lahaa.
Marka xiligan aan ku jiray anigu si kas ah ayaan u joojiyay inaan asxaab samaysto maadama anigu aan rabin asxaab aanan anigu sidaan ahay agtooda ku ahaan karayn. Anigu meelna maan tagi jirin, waqtigayga oo dhan waxaan ku qaadan jiray gudaha xataa xiligii kulaylaha. Anuu waxaan cuni jiray oo weheshan jiray cuntada degdega ah, taas oo iga dhigtay wax aad u buuran. Aad bay u adagtahay inan qirto tan laakiin waxaan anigu u noolaa sida mashiinka, xarakaad ma jirin, farxad ma jirin xataa jiho.
Anuu waxaan filayaa in ay runtahay markaad adigu dhulka soo taabato, in aanay jirin meelkale oo aan ahayn kor. Tani waxay ahayd qiyaastii isla markii aan aan anigu daawaday filinkii Shawshank Redemption iyo odhaadii caanka ahayd ee Morgan Freeman oo odhanaysa ‘ADIGOO MASHQUULA NOOLOW AMA ADIGOO MASHQUULA DHIMO’. Iyo anigoo ku fikiray, anuu markali ah baan haystaa fursad nolosha iyo iyada oo ah hadyad qiimo badan oo ilaahay ka timid, taas oo aan anigu u baahanay in aan ugu faa’iidaysto sida ugu baaxada badan. Anigu waxaan u baahanay inaan ku raaxaysto nolosha, nolaado oo aan sameeyo waxyaabaha farxada I galigaya.
Taa dabadeed anigu waxaan bilaabay inaan ku noqdo dhamaan waxyaabihii iyo madadaalooyinkii aan anigu ku raaxaysan jiray markaan koraayay tusaale ahaan ciyaaraha. Dhawr bilood gudahood, anigu waxaan iska riday miisaankii oo dhan iyo aniga oo intarnadka ka raadiyay meelaha sida baararka ama kilaabyada khaniisiinta mad madaw tagaan (In google jiro ilaah baa mahad leh). Anigu waxaan helay kilaab gaar ah, kaas oo aan ka fogayn meesha aan deganaa. Habeenkaa weyn, anuu waxaan hubiyay inaan tinta soo jarto oo aan xirdho dharka iigu fiican, taas oo isiisay waxoogaa kalsooni ah, maadama aan anigu cabsi la kala daadsanaa. Markaan gaadhay kilaabkii oo aan sadex jeer ku meeraystay waxaan isku keenay dhiiri galin aan dabagalo safkii oo markii aan gudahiisas anuu galay, waxaan xaqiiqo ku jiray janadii. Waxaan anigu isu haystay inaan anigu ahaandoono mid ka mida dhawrka raga khaniisita mad madowga laakiin waxaa igu wareegsanaa boqolaal rag khanisiin mad madaw ah (anig oo aan ka bad badinayn). Waxay ahayd wax farxadleh! Kelmado ma bilaabi karaan inay sharxaan waxaan anigu dareemay. Tani waxay ahayd mid ka badan meel naqas saariseed waxay ahayd degaan dhan oo qaybta ugu cajiibka badnayd ahayd in raga badankooda aanay buuxin fikrada khaniisiinta laga haysto, waxay ahaayeen rag caadi ah.
Anigu waxaan sameeyay waayo aragnimadii galmadaydii khaniisnimo (waxaba) habeenkan ugu horeeyay markay da’daydu ahayd 2, shan sano ka dib markii aan bilaabay inaan raga ka helo. Waxay ahayd sidii uu farasku ugu dambayntii ka talaabayo laynkii dhamaadka, laakiin idinku way ku farxi doontaan inaad ogaataan inaan qaleeyay waqtigii lumay!
Mudo yar ka dib waxay ahayd markaan la kulmay anigu saaxiibkaygii aanu kala tagnay kaas oo aan 4 sanadood wada noolayn. Isagu wuu iga waynaa oo uu ogaa waxkasta oo suuqa khaniisiinta ka dhaca. Ka sokow xidheedhkeena dhamaaday, waxa keli ah ee aan anigu weligay ugu mahadnaqayaa waxay tahay xaqiiqda aan anigu koray (shaqsi ahaan) intii aan la joogay. Isagu waxa uu i isiiyay madaxbanaani aan wax kasta ku waayo arko laakiin sida badan iigu hagi jiray biyaha khiyaamada leh ee suuqa khaniisiinta iyo noloshaba.
Waxay ahayd markaan bilo isla soconay markii aan isku soo banaan saaray reerkeena. Waxay ku bilaabantay walaaladay oo ka walaacsanaa in aanan anigu ahayn sidaydii, gaar ahaan dabeecadayda. Madaama oo aan markii hore anigu weligay guriga joogi jiray, waxna samayn jirin oo niyadjab u aamusan laakiin hada markasta anigu waan faraxsanaa oo aan guriga ka markasta ka maqnaan jiray. Oo markii aniga la I waydiiyay waxa jira, waxaan anigu u sheegay inaan khaniis ahay.
Dabadeetona waxa ay keentay in qalbi jab shoog leh, oohin iyo sasabaad in caadi la iga dhigo oo aan dhamaad lahayn. Ugu horayn waxay iyagu isku dayeen inay danbi geliyaan iyo inaan ka fikiro reerla, diinteena iyo dhaqankeena. Dabadeena waxay isku dayeen inay iga dhaadhiciyaan inaan ku biro dugsi quraal taasoo ay rajayneyeen inay shaydaanka iga saarto. Iyo ugu dambayn I waydiyeen in aan ku noqdo wadankii mudo si aan uga maqnaado nolosha reer galbeedka, taas oo ii suurto galinaysa inaan si cad u fakaro. Laakiin anigu waan ogaa haddii aan ku noqdo dhulkii in aanan weligay soo noqonayn oo halkaa markaan in aan gacantooda hoos aalo. Anuu kama badbadinaayo markaan idhaahdo waxaan leeyahay reer khaniisiinta neceb kuwaas oo jeclaan lahaa in dhashoodu dhimato halkay ka haysan lahaayeen mid khaniis ah.
Dhawr wiig oo ka dhaadhicin nocaan ah ka dib, waxay ogaadeen in aanay shaqaynayn iyo in aan anigu ahay khaniis oo aan weligeed xaqiiqdaa waxba ka bedali karin. Ka dib waxay I waydiiyeen inaan ka tago. Kelmada waqti adag waa wax aada oo an u qalmin anigu noloshayda dib u soo dhiso aad bay u adkayd. Sidaan hore u idhi anigu, waxaan doortay inaan mashkuul ku nolaado. Tan baa ii keentay inaan jaamacada iyo shaqadaba ku soo banaan baxo. Anigu dhamaan waan soo banaan baxay, yaanan wareegin oo aanan dadka u sheegin inaan anigu khaniis ahay isma qariyo ama isuma bedelo dadka kale dantooda oo been ma sheego marka la I waydiiyo inaan khaniis ahay.
Inta aan halkan fadhiyo qorayona sheekadan, dib markaan uga fikiro u soo bixitaankaygii dadka oo dhan, anigu ma caawin karo inaan ka iswaydiiyo, iyada oo marxaladu isku mid tahay mar labaad ma samayn lahaa? Haa, markale iyo markale.
Xaqiiqda aan ku noolahay nolol kaamil ah oo aan qarsoodi lahayn macnaheedu maahan inaan dadka leeyahay qofkasta ha soo banaan baxo. Anuu waxaan u malaynayaa in khaniis iyo khaniisad kastaa inay ku nolaadaan nolol farxad leh oo ay iyaka naftooda mooyee cidkale u banaan bixin. Tani waa naftaada inaad aqbashid inaad khaniis tahay, weligaa khaniis ahaandoontid iyo in aanay lahay wax xumaato ah, ka sokow inaad qarsoonaatid ama guursatid. Qofkastaa waa inuu ku nolaadaa noloshooda sida u rabaan ama ku raaxo ku dareemayaan. Haddii aad rabtid inaad reerkiina u soo banaan baxdid, waa sax ilaa inta aad ogtahay waxa kaaga imaan doona. Iyo haddii aad rabtid inaad sir ku dayside weligaa taasina sidoo kale waa sax.
Ugu dambayn, sida aan faraha kula soo galay curinta shebekada bulshada khaniisiitna soomaaliyeed. Waxay ahayd 2005 markii aniga iyo koox aan asxaabnahay, bilawnay inaan si joogto ah ku kulano oo aan ka wada tashano sidii aan ku samayn lahayn maxdeliyadan wiilasha iyo hablaha khaniisiinta ah meel ay iskula kulmaan oo ay si fi’iido leh isku saameeyaan. Hasa ahaatee, aniga waxa kale oo aan lahaa ujeedo kale sababtaas oo ii gaysay mashruucan, waayo waxaan dareemay in khaniisiin badan oo walaaladay ahi ay noloshooda khasaarinayaan. Waxaan anigu ka daalay inaan arko walaaladay oo badan oo suuqa u soo baxaya laakiin mudo yar ka dib, waxaan arkaa anigu iyaka oo ka hadhaaya jaamacadii, si doqoniimo u khamri u cabaaya, isticmaalaya mukhaadaraad waa weyn, baxaaya 7 cisho wiigii oo ku danbeeya shaqooyin aan horumar lahayn. Jiho la’aanta baa u hogaaminaysa in karti iyo fursado badan si noqnoqosho leh u qasaariyaan. Waxaan anigu rajaynayaa in aanan u muuqan qof xafladaha neceb waayo anigu waxaan neelayay nolol asxaabeed laakiin waxaan ku kala duwan nahay kala hormarinta, aqoonsiga iyo wax gashiga waqtiga badan iyo waxtarka meelaha aad muhiimka u ah.
Anigu waxaan filayaa in aan qaarkood ogaynba in khaniisnimadu bedelin qayb yar oo adiga kaa mid ah shaqsi ahaan. Galmadu waa qayb yar oo ka mid ah samayskaaga.
Adigu ha dareemin inaad ku tiirsanaato inaad buuxiso fikrada laga haysto ‘hab nololeedka khaniisiinta’ ahaw adiga uun oo samee hab nololeed aad iska leedahay.
Anuu waxaan rajaynayaa in sheekadadyo aanay ku dhiir galin uun laakiin in ay qof ka samayso inuu iska fikiro nafsi ahtooda xidhiidhka galmeed oo sida rajada leh ogaadaan in ay tahay wax caadi ah, taas oo wax kasta qiimo u yeelaysa.
Anigu waxaan idiin soo jeedinayaa nabadgalyo akhristahayga qaaliga ahaw.
Cabdul
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