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When I was eight years old I realized that I had different feelings and wanted to be with boys. I use to play with girls rather than play soccer with the boys. My thoughts were very confusing and I did not understand what was happening. I had the body of a man but I found that my mind kept on playing tricks on me. At the tender age of 13 I started asking questions but could not get answers, such as:
Why am I like this? Why am I different, and as the years passed I tried to make sense of my condition with very little progress. One day, while playing with a group of my female friends, we noticed the new neighbours moving in. They had sons and that made me happy. I befriended them, but all of them, except Karriem, were nasty to me and mocked me. We attended the same madrassa (Islamic school). We would spend all our free time together, which brought peace and joy to my heart. I started having strong feelings for him, but was too nervous to let him know and also nervous to ask him what he thought about me.
As I enjoyed this new luxury of friendship a civil war broke out which forced my friends family to move out of the country, which of course made me really sad and lonesome. I felt that life was so unfair. Every time I found someone, they tended to leave my life for some or other reason.
At the age of 17, my father told me that I had to now settle down and marry my cousin. I told him that it was impossible as my feelings towards her were like a brother and sister – nothing romantic. He was insistent and instructed me to find a lady from the community and marry her. I was worried – How was I going to refuse my father?
My father became more and more insistent and even started making plans for the wedding. This left me with absolutely no choice but to steal money from the family and head off north into the country to where my grandmother lived. I felt that maybe she would protect me and give me the advice that I so desperately wanted.
She was a very loving lady and I enjoyed staying with her. She gave me a lot of good advice, and one day she asked me what my intentions were and I told her. She told me not to run away from my problems but rather to face them head on. I asked her for financial assistance, as I wanted to head off, by boat, to Yemen, as I had family there. I stayed with them for a while and then after family hassles there, I headed off again, this time to Saudi Arabia. Here, however, I found out that the community there was very homophobic and that frightened me as I was tired of being hurt. So I decided to return to my home country. Luckily, my father had left home and he had immigrated to Great Britain. My mother welcomed me home and for a while I was happy. However the trouble started again, and the local boys in my community started picking on me and hurting me. My mother suggested that I leave and go to Kenya which I did.
It was here, in Nairobi that I met up with my childhood friend, from Somalia, Karriem. He took me into his home and he informed me that he has been in love with me ever since we were neighbours in Somalia. I could not believe my ears. I was so happy and excited. I was finally with the man I loved. We travelled together a lot throughout the country, happy to be with each other. Then came an opportunity for me and I had to decide what to do.
My aunt, South Africa, insisted that I come to her and help the family in their internet café. I left Kenya with a very heavy heart and arrived in South Africa. All was going well until, one day, my aunt found some gay pornographic books in my room. She was furious and before I knew it, her sons had me outside and they beat me up, and threw me out of the house. My aunt is an important person in the community and she instructed the community to shut their doors to me and no assistance is to be given to me. So, again, I was homeless and alone. I missed my boyfriend, in Kenya, so much.
I ended up in ...., where I stayed with friends, but that also came to an end when, one Friday at the mosque in ....., I was chased out by the Imam like a dog and told to go and cleanse myself and that gay guys are not welcome in the mosque. To add even more, the family I was staying with told me that I had to leave as their son was coming home and he needed the room that I was using.
So, here I am, in a foreign country with no refugee status, nowhere to go and yearning for my lover back in Kenya. I am at present doing voluntary work at the ..... where I am accepted for who I am and loved for me.
I do not know what the future holds for me. I don’t know if I will ever be accepted in South Africa, get a job or even if I will ever be re – united with my love in Kenya. I am walking this road alone with only the help of Allah, who I know will guide and protect me. I yearn for acceptance and for that special love that will protect me. Until then I live day by day and ask Allah to give me guidance and wisdom to make the correct choices in my life.
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