Friends are a interesting branch of the human network of connection that we accumulate through our lives.They become like the extended family building up and playing the role of a brother or sister who you learn to share a different phase in our existence that our blood relatives cannot join or become a part of because of the change in where our journeys take us and also make us become as people.
With virtually all friends i have known it has been a gradual process of separation that has disconnected us from each other,i have never had an argument which has made the relationship suddenly snap into two,it is a bit like the family bonds that just drift apart because you are both at a point in your lives where you need to forge ahead with your own path and them with theirs, that before you know it you suddenly see each other less and less or just not at all.
I have had only one experience where i made the conscious decision to move on from my closest friend,i had known him for years and we shared and did lots together.We were like lovers who never had sex which was cool because we had connected with our minds in a very deep way ,exploring the cosmos of our imaginations and communicating about life and reality in a way that very few lovers could.
I looked out for him because he was always being used and exploited by others because of his inner beauty and generosity,and unwillingness to stand up for himself and tell such people to fcuk off.
We were hippies who preferred the embrace of thinking and not the flesh,living in a small bubble we had created that protected us from what seemed like a weird bunch of robots just playing out a role unquestioning,unchallenged existing in a reality that was just so false.
We were encased in our illusion looking into this big machine like illusion called society having a really interesting self exploratory awakening.Somewhere in this opening of our inner eyes the light was just to bright for some and its here that i lost someone very beautiful,he became hooked on some pretty unpleasant drugs and over time i knew we were going to different places without each other.We had shared something very beautiful and our minds had been somewhere truly special ,we had seen, felt and heard things in ways very few will ever do in the entire journey as a human being.
The people i have loved as lovers or should i use the words deeply cared for,always feel this best conveys the real meaning of the word,have again been strange beautiful moments that actually said more about me then anything else.Although i have explored and thought in a fairly flexible way i have a very traditional perspective on the idea of relationships which is always together forever,giving everything and willingness to sacrifice almost everything for that person.
I have been in 3 experiences where i deeply cared for a guy and all the usual stories of being treated very poorly,lied to,them sleeping around,the constant mind games and me still trying to show my depth of care for them with the patterns being played out again and again with me finding it really difficult to let go because of the emotional pull.
It is a story that was all about myself not these guys ,they were just doing what they had learned to do and really could not do anything different even when i tried to show total unconditional affection.This was about me learning new skills in dealing with my instincts and the patterns of experience i was having,there moments of beauty and the emotions were beautiful but these were fleeting and in my mind i was just chasing ghosts that never existed except in my imagination.
I am great full for these experiences because there were moments of amazing beauty but also so much more to learn about others and more so about myself.
I apologies for my rather rushed piece on the relationships and breaking up of them.
Where one to one emotional bonds with a sexual element are part of the connection,i would say that i have a very naive level of awareness of these types of experiences,this can also be said of my sexual ones, i went through a very long period of my life being celebet.
The reason for this being that i tried the gay scene when i was 18 and never quiet got my head round gay culture like the scene and the gay people i met.I hung out with some guys who were at the time in the for front of the black gay mens voice.I remember doing a poetry reading of my writing at what was then the black and gay lesbian center in central london with a very beautiful person and poet called Essex Hemphill.He died of aids a few years later but wrote some truly beautiful poetry about his experiences as a gay person,it was an honor to share a moment with such a person .
I admit that the view i got of being in this world was that of an observer looking into the minds and life _style_s of gay men and women who for a while i found interesting, it was very new for me to be open about my sexuality and share a space with people who i thought were like me because of it.
I was also at this time going through a very intense point of self development and change by exploring my inner worlds of consciousness with a very different group of people who were all straight yet willing to push the brain somewhere very different.
Being gay and shouting about it seemed less important to me because of these new experiences and group of people i choose to embrace as my new family.We believed we were touching the very fabric of existence with our minds seeing the spectacular geometry that builds our universe from within,Being at the center of it and watching it shift,shimmer,dance,vibrate,glow,change with every fold of each second that passed,speak to you,scare you and ultimately enlighten and sometimes deeply change you.
Over time i lost contact with the gay people i knew because i was becoming something that could no longer connect or be willing to engage with this particular mind set of gay reality.I no longer had anything in common with their life _style_ of clubs,talking about sex,bitching about others,who is sleeping with who,being gay,image conscious,age conscious just what seemed like really pointless trivial stuff.I believed i was somewhere so very unique where only a few people are willing to walk to see and touch ,which takes you away from the norms of society and reality and puts you right at the edge of it all.A place so alien where you are on your own and language becomes obsolete to convey your journey.
For about 19 years i dropped out of the gay world occasionally speaking to some gay friends for a very short period then quickly jumping out ,in this period i had some form of sexual connection with guys about 3-4 times over this 19 years.
It is only recently that i decided to check the gay scene out again and for me it felt like very little had changed in what drove this world around ,the commercial gay scene is still very superficial like i suppose all commercial things on this planet.
One thing i lacked was the experience of being in a relationship,i never slept around so did not have the capacity to understand or chase this with much skill or satisfaction,i only really understood the idea of committed companionship because it seemed more purposeful and rewarding and has formed part of my conditioning when i was young.
The gay relationships i have been involved in are with guys who seem to have inherited a very scared insecure perception about being in one in the first place.This might be as a direct result of the male gay culture around ,where being able to have a long committed relationship can be a difficult thing to experience,or just that they have had personal experience where they feel they have been let down by someone they trusted .Through their personal experiences they have carried with them behavior patterns which they have placed there as a way of protecting themselves from what they might see as a possibility of being hurt,used or lied to.They also have behavior patterns and programmes they use against you if they feel you have somehow done something to cross these lines,a means of testing your affection with some form of punishment.This is something i can never quiet understand but have tolerated lots of ,punishing someone who cares for you because you believe they have hurt you in some form,or as a test to measure their true affections for you.Yet if you ask the person what have you done they can never answer the question,how strange.What is a little stranger for me is that i accepted the mental punishment because i thought the nature of unconditional affection is to dutifully accept it and hope they will see the depth of affection they were given and understand its value.
In time fortunately after bearing this pattern something finally snapped and i was able to confront and question the behavior of these individuals.I UNDERSTAND NOW NO ONE HAS POWER,POWER IS SOMETHING WE ALL HAVE BUT CHOOSE TO GIVE AWAY .
This is not to say that gay people are unable to have committed relationships ,it is just something that is not seen or lived as the norm.I am sure most gay people set of with the notion that they want a long term relationship with someone else because we all inherit the same indoctrination from our ,parents,peers,literatures we read when young,society and films we watch.The factors are that time in this world quickly changes people to realize it is a very precarious possibility,the essence of mainstream gay culture pushes a fickle mind set of instant gratification.Those who look for anything more meaningful and long standing in a way have to almost pull away from this culture and create something for themselves that functions outside of this.
Straight culture can be just as fickle and for the now, but as a culture it has more long term factors that are built into its structure that act as reinforcement to a monogamous process,these have been necessary in the stabilizations of the family unit .It could also be argued that modern gay culture is opening us to the true nature of our social programmes to have as much sex with as many different people as possible .We are coded in our DNA to be promiscuous and the major parts of gay culture are just more open to follow and express this,even in straight culture there is lots of evidence to back that this goes on.Am i just out of touch and swimming against the flow of the stream and will the future of all relationships be one of open sexual extensions?A lot of my married straight friends see other women and think it is a fairly common practice and acceptable as long as they do not get caught,they also accept it is normal for the wife to do it as long as it is not in their face .I have always found this a little strange but realize it can be the way people stay together for long periods of time.
Again this is not to say that everyone is following this way of living married life and i am sure there are a great number of people who live in a very stable relationship.
I have slightly moved my autobiographical account to another area so i apologies again ,but feel free to express yourself about yourself