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Written by Farhan
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Being gay is the best thing that has ever happened to me and if a second live was given to me, I would not have lived it any other way than being gay. To me gays are amazing people who are very intelligent, creative, kind, sensitive, caring, loving, beautiful inside out and they understand both sexes like no one else does.
I am amazed by their strength, survival instinct and their desire to live their life regardless all the hurdles and obstacles that society throws at their way.
Yesterday I read the coming outs of the Lebanese LGBT community which was on their website ‘Helem’. There stories were very moving and the hardship they went through was quite similar to ours although we live miles apart. Their pain is ours and ours is theirs because we are all human beings.
Being Somali has thought me to despise homosexuals and ban the word ‘khaniis’ from my vocabulary unless I am using it to degrade another human being which I never did, but what has happened and changed me. What made me praise homosexuals like myself all of a sudden, have I been it in the head or has the West brain washed me once again since they are blamed to be responsible for my gayness. Here comes my journey.
I guess the furthest I could go back to my childhood memory is when I was 4 years old and from that delicate age there was something about me that was different from any other boy that I knew. I loved been around home with my sisters where I felt save as other boys and men in general were kind of a threat to me. My instincts were about to be proofed right as I was later bullied. My mum has sensed my difference and sensitivity which lead to fact that she gave me all the love, warmth, affection and protection any child could ever wish for. It was also very early in life that I developed my fascinations for the anatomy of other boys. I remember getting under the blanket with my cousins and fiddling with each others private parts which lasted till I was 8 years old. Since the outside world was a hazard to me I spent most of my days at home and would only go out if I had to go to school or been taken out by an adult. Also as I was the only son at the time, I was the crown jewel of my father, and very early in life I knew, that I could never live up to his dreams. Therefore our relationship was never as warm as that with my mother though he would shower me with presents and anything that my heart desired.
I was later bullied at school but it was not as severe as others were bullied looking back. Only the most gorgeous boys that I have fancied would called me ‘Najima’ which is a female name, and they were only one or two. At school I would only hang out with the older boys as they were more accommodating and accepting than those of my age. Resulting that I matured more quickly than most of my peers and so received a lot of praising from adults for being ‘an adult’!
There was a wig in our house that was bought for my sister because we all bullied her as she had strong African features which she never wore because she was too young. I used to lock up myself in my mum’s bedroom, sit on her dressing table, put the wig on and admire myself in front of the mirror for hours on end, until the day I rushed to our balcony after hearing the neighbour boy’s voice, Mohammoud and to my embarrassment he laughed at me without knowing why, until he had said that I was wearing a wig. Since that day I had never wore it again.
What I hated the most in those days was when one of my older cousin would come to our house and called me ‘badhnaagood’ sissy boy. Each time I heard her voice from miles away my hart would sink. We had a huge balcony in our flat where I used to play and spend most of my spare times. I had a peddled car and a bicycle that I used to play with when I am not playing with my sisters dolls. The minute she notices me that I was there she would say ‘waryaa ….. badhnaagoodoow ma sidii baad dumarka ugu dhex jirtaa’ I used to ignore her but sometimes I would put a brave face on and still say hi to her looking down from our balcony. I hated her for intruding the only save heaven that I had in the world. It was a very depressing period for me because I could not understand why anybody would want to call me names while I was nice and polite to everyone. In our family feelings were not talked about and that is something that all Somalis share. You are thought not to express your feeling and you would be discouraged to question anything. You just have to obey what you have been told and that is what a good child supposed to be.
When I was about 10, I had my first wet dream and that was shocking in it self as no one had prepared me for it, but later I started enjoying on those dreams as they were my only outlet. The scene of those dreams were about pretty much the same all the time and they involved me and another boy chasing each other endlessly until we end up touching each others private parts and hence climax.
I remember my first serious crash with this boy who was 7 years my junior when I was 12 although at the time I was never sexual as I did not knew that one could be gay or even what being gay entailed. All I knew was that I loved him more than anything in the world and that I wanted to spend my spare time with him and no one else. He was my best friend and he showed me that he cared and loved me as a brother. But at one point the feeling has got the better of me and being a friend was just not enough and I wanted more whatever that might be.
I used to stay at their place on the weekends although couple of years later I have moved in with them literally. For some reason I would wake up in the middle of the night and I would switch on the light. Perhaps I was hoping that the only sheet ‘hoosgunti’ he rapped around his waist would come off and so have the pleasure to admire his naked body and satisfy my inner desire which I was right about.
Sometimes we would share the same bed and things would happen between us, but at some point he decided to end it and to stress his point, one night he took me to ‘Burkaroole’ the red light district of Mogadishu.
This is was the most terrifying experience that I was ever been exposed to because for one I was not attracted to this old women that I was supposed to have sex with and second I was worried about the fact that my failing to perform would only add to my previous embarrassments. I got into this poor lighted room and there was big mama lying on her back with her legs wide open. The scene was horrifying! She became the cruellest women I have ever known when she went ‘waryaa soo gasho hee xaa sugee’ this made me even feel more nervous but I had no other choice but to follow the order and wish that miracles would happen for me. To my disappointment I could not get it up so the old women went ‘ warya iga dulkac oo lacagtayda ii sii’ I was like ok ‘eedo lacagta waan ku siinayaa ee idaa aan cabaar kula joogee’ she said give my money and stay if you want. So I paid the money, stayed with her for a while and then left. My friend had asked me how it went and I said ‘khatar maclinka’. He said you stayed long in there so you must have had fun and I said big time, thanks, since he paid the wasted ride. He hoped that this experience will end the reoccuring incidents between us at night but he was wrong.
One of the most memorable holidays we had together was when went to Baraawe which is the most romantic city in Somalia for a week. Although we stayed with a family we were given a room that had its own front door access and it gave us the privacy that we needed at least in my fantasy. During the day we would get up late, have our breakfast and then we would go the beach for couple of hours. Then we would come back have our lunch and we would take a nap until it cools down. Late in the afternoon we would take a shower and wear our best clothes and hit the town. Mostly we would eat out and then go the cinema.
We stayed good friends until the time came that he had to leave the country. I carried days on end and even though he left his family I stayed with them. They understood my broken heart and said that it was normal to cry for a friend and they told me even another boy who had expressed the same emotion when his best friend had left the country. I have comforted my self with those good memories that I shared with him for many years until I become aware of my sexuality. What I still loved about him is that he never told anyone what happened between us as I met mutual friends and family members who knew about our close friendship many years later. He is the only one that I wanted to come out when I went back to Somalia couple of years ago for the first time but unfortunately his family had told me that he had left the country again. I was self secure, had a boyfriend and I wanted to tell him how proud I was with my newly found identity and that he was right all along. Another thing that I wanted to tell him was that it was not me who was sick but it was our society. Because as he once told me, I was sick and a professional thief in his family was far better person than I was. At the time I knew that he was wrong and that no criminal was better than me but felt too embarrassed and weak to defend my self.
Somalis say it is the West who made us gay! If this was true why this boy had the feelings he had without setting a foot in the West. Why being raised in a pro-heterosexual community has not changed me. When I was a teenager I used to hear from other boys ‘there were men who were married but to have sex with their wives they need to be fucked by another man’. When I came to Europe in my teen years I have heard exactly the same rumours over and over again, and later when I found out that I was gay I met those men that I have been told about so many times who most of them went on to discouraged from ever leading a gay life when I told them about my sexuality. I guess that is how homosexuality was dealt within the Somali culture for centuries but I am glad that me and other brave ones have chosen to break up with that pattern and made the conscious decision to live an honest but most importantly fulfilling life.
Yours is next. Anyways thanks for reading my personal story
Farhan Somali
Af-soomaali
In aan khaniis noqdo waa waxa ugu fiican ee waligay isoo maray xataa haddii nolol labaad la isiiyo anigu maan doorteen in aan ugu nolaado mid aan khaniisnimo ahayn. Ani shaqsi ahaan, khaniisiintu waa dad wanaagsan oo aad u maskax badan, firfircoon, naxariis leh, wax dareema, xanaaneeya, kalgacayl leh oo kor iyo hoosba ka quruxbadan, iyo iyaga oo fahma nin iyo naagba si aan cidkale u fahmin.
Aniga waxa i cajiib galisay awoodooda, kartida nololeed iyo nuxurka ay u qabaan nolosha ka sokow moosaska iyo hor istaagida ay bulshadu dhinacooda ku soo tuurtay.
Shalaytoole waxaan anigu akhriyay banaanbixista bulshada khaniisiinta ee Libnaaniyiinta taas oo ku taalay shebekedooda ‘Helem’. Sheekooyinkoodu waxay ahaayeen kuwo aad ii dhaqaaja iyadoo dhibaatada culus ee ay soo mareen ahayd mid aad ula mida ah teena inkasta oo aan meelo fog ku kala noolnahay. Xanuunkoodu waa keena, keenuna waa kooda maadama aan dhamaanteen nahay bini-aadam.
Soomaalinimadaydu waxay i bartay aniga in aan yaso khaniisnimada iyo in aan ka mamnuuco kelmada ‘khaniis’ hadaladayda ka sokow marka aan u isticmaalayo inaan hoos u dhigo qof kale oo bini-aadam ah taas oo aanan weligay samayn. Laakiin maxaa dhacay oo i bedalay. Maxaa igu kalifay in aan anigu amaano khaniisiinta ila midka ah sidan lama filaanka ah, ma madaxa baa wax la igaga dhuftay mise reer Galbeedka baa i maskax dooriyay marlabaad maadama iyaka lagu eedeeyo inay masuul ka yahiin khaniisnimadayda. Waa kan socdaalkaygi.
Waxaan qiyaasayaa meesha ugu dheer ee aan ku noqon karo xusuusta caruurnimadayda waxay ahayd markii aan ahaa 4 sano jir oo da’daa curdinka ah waxa jiray wax aniga iga duway wiilkasta oo aan aqaanay. Anigu waxaan jeclaa in aan ag joog joogo gabdhaha aan walaalaha nahay halkaas oo aan anigu nabad ku dareemi jiray maadama oo wiilasha kale iyo raguba guud ahaan igu ahaayeen wax i cabsi galiya. Dareenkayga waxa uu noqday mid xaqiiqooba maadama oo markii danbe la i cayn jiray.
Hooyaday waxay ogaatay inaan nooc kale ahay oo dareen nugul taas oo keentay run ahaantii in ay isiiso jacayl aad ah, diiranaan, kalgacayl iyo difaacis wiilkasta oo caruur ahi jeclaan lahaa. Iyana waxay ahayd waqti hore noloshayda markii ay igu korodhay inaan xiiseeyo hab dhiska jirka ee wiilasha. Anigu waxaan xasuustaa gelitaan aan bustaha hoostiisa la gali jiray ilmadeeryaashay iyo aniga oo farfaraynaya cawradooda taas oo soconaysay ilaa intii aan ahaa 8 jirka. Maadama oo ay banaanka dunidu dhib igu ahayd anigu waxaan maalmaha badankooda ku qaadan jiray gurigeena oo aan ka bixi jiray uun haddii aanan ka fursanayn oo aan iskuul tagaayo ama marka qof wayni i kaxaynaayo.
Maadama oo aan ahaa wiilka keli ah waqtigaas waxaan anigu ahaa iftiinka aabahay marka waqti aad u horeeyay waxaan noloshayda anigu ogaaday in aanan marnaba rajada aabahay iga qabo haqab tirayn. Sidaa daraadeed xiriirkeenu weligii ma noqon mid diiran oo ka hooyaday u dhigma inkasta oo uu igu fooladayn jiray hadyado iyo waxkasta oo niyadaydu jeclayd.
Aniga beri danmbe ayaa iskuulka la igu caayi jiray laakiin taasi may ahayn mid aad u xun sida dadka kale loo caayo markaan hadda dib u eego. Kali badanaa wiilasha ugu quruxda badan ee aan anigu xiisayn jiray ayaa iigu yeedhi jiray ‘Najma’ kaas oo ah magac gabdheed, iyo iyaka oo ahaa hal ama laba qof. Iskuulka markaan joogo anigu waxaan la socon joogi jiray wiilasha waawayn maadama oo iyaku sida badan ahaayeen kuwo lala socon karo oo aqbalaad leh marka loo eego kuwa da’dayda ah. Sababtayna in aan anigu noqdo qof degdeg ku mudakara marka loo eego kuwa aan isku filka nahay oo aan sidaas ku helay amaan badan oo ka timaada dadka waaweyn inta aan ‘mudakaray’!.
Waxaa taalay gurigeena timo ardafiishal ama buruuko ah kaas oo loo soo gaday walaashay maadama aan ku dacaayadan jiray sansaankeeda afrikaanimo inkasta oo aanay weligeed xiran sababtoo ah iyada oo aad u da’yar. Anigu waxaan isku xiri jiray qolka hurdada ee hooyaday, kuna fadhiisan jiray tuwalaytkeeda, tinta gashan jiray oo aan shaqsiyadayda iskula qushuuci jiray saacado aan dhamaad lahayn, ilaa maalintii aan ku cararay meermeersinkeena ka dib markaan maqlay wiil aan darisnahay codkiisa, Maxamuud iyo ceebtayda uu igu qoslay aniga oo aan ogayn sababta, ilaa uu ka yidhi in aan anigu xiranahay timo ardafiishal ah. Laga bilaabo maalintaa anigu dib danbe uma xidhan.
Waxaan anigu aad u necbaan jiray beryehaas waxay ahayd marka gabadh aan ilma habreed nahay timaado gurigeena iiguna yeedhi jirtay ‘badhnaagood’. Waqti kasta markaan anigu ka maqlo codkeeda shanta maylka wadnaha baa hoos ii go’i jiray. Waxaan anaku lahayn meermeersin weyn dabaqeena halkaas oo aan anigu ku ciyaari jiray oon ku qaadan jiray badanaa waqtigayga firaaqada ah. Anigu waxaan lahaan jiray gaadhi iyo baaskiilad kuwaas oo aan anigu ku medadaalan jiray marka aanan anigu ku ciyaarayn caruursadaha hablahayaga. Daqiiqada ay isheedu aniga igu dhacdo ee aan halkaa joogo waxay igu odhan jirtay ‘waryaa ….. badhnaagoodoow ma sidii baad dumarka ugu dhex jirtaa
Anigu waan iska dhegatiri jiray laakiin mararka qaarkood intaan weji dhiiri gelin sameeyo ayaan weli ku odhan jiray iska waran aniga oo meermeersinkeena hoos uga soo eegaya. Waxaan anigu iyada ku nebcaa usoo dhicista meesha keli ee aan nabada dunida ku haysto. Waxay aniga ii ahayd xili aad u murugo badan waayo anigu maan fahmi jirin sababta ruux magacyada iigu yeedhayo halka aan anigu uga wacnaa oo aan qofkasta u ixtiraami jiray. Qoyskeena dareenka lagama hadli jirin taas oo ah mid Soomaalida oo dhami ay ka siman yahiin. Waxa adiga laaga filayaa in aadan marna dareenkaada muujin iyo adiga oo lagugu dhiiri galinayn inaad wax su’aashid. Waa in aad uun adeecdaa waxa laguu sheego taas oo ah sida uu ilmo fiicani u dhaqmo.
Markaan anigu ahaa 10 jir ayaan yeeshay riyo biyobixitaan leh taas oo ahayd mid naxdin leh nafsi ahaanteeda maadama aan qofna iyada ii diyaarin laakiin mardanbe anigu waxaan bilaabay inaan ku raaxaysto riyooyinkan sababtoo ah waxay ii noqdeen waxa keli ah ee aan ku nafiso. Sawirka riyooyinkani qiyaastii waxa uu ahaa mid markasta aad isugu mida taas oo iyadu ku saabsanayd aniga iyo wiil yar oo kale oo is eryad dhamaad lahayn samaynayna ilaa iyo inta aan cawradeena iska taabanayno keentana biyo bixis.
Anigu waxaan xasuustaa jacaylkaygii iigu horeey kaas oo aan u qaaday wiil 7 sanadood iga waynaa markaan anigu ahaa 12 jirka inkasta oo aan xiligaas anigu qooq i galin maadama oo aanan aqoon in qof khaniis noqon karo ama waxay khaniisnimada macnaheedu tahay. Dhamaan waxa keli ah ee aan anigu aqiin waxay ahayd aniga oo isaga aad uga jecel waxkasta oo dunida yaal iyo in aan anigu rabay inaan waqti aan firaaqada ahay isaga mooyee qof kale la qaadan. Isagu waxa uu ahaa saaxiibkayga kowaad iyo isaga oo itusay inuu i xanaaneeyo oo ii jeclaado si qof walaalkiis ah. Laakiin mar uun baa dareernkaygii iga xoog badnaaday oo saaxiibtinimo wax igu filaada noqon wayday oo aan doonay wax ka badan waxay doonto taasi ha noqotee.
Anigu gurigooda ayaan la joogo jiray wiiga maalmahiisa fasaxa ah inkasta oo dhawr sano ka dib aan anigu si dhaba ula soo degayba. Waxay doonto sababtu ha noqotee anigu habeenka badhkiis baan soo kaci jiray oo aan shidi jiray laydhka. Waxaan filayaa in aan anigu u hanqal taagi jiray in marada ama hoosguntiga kali ah ee uu xiran yahay inay dhexdiisa ka furanto oo aan sidaa ugu raaxaysto aniga oo u qushuucaya jidhkiisa qaawan kuna haqabtiro baahidayda qarsoon taas oo aan anigu ku saxsanaa. Mararka qaarkood waxaa naga dhaxayn jirtay sariir oo wax na dhex mari jireen.
Hasa ahaatee waxa uu gaaray heer uu ku go’aansaday in uu joojiyo iyo inuu ku xaqiijiyo fikradiisa habeen qudha buu ii kexeeyay buurkaroole oo ah xaafada dhilooyinka ee Xamar.
Tani waxay ahayd waayo aragnimadii iigu cabsida badnayd ee aniga waligay isoo marta waayo waa mide anigu maan u xiisaynayn habartan weyn ee aniga la iga rabay inaan waso iyo talabaad oo ah inaan anigu ka walaacsanaa haddii aan waxba wasi kari waayo in ay ceebtaydii hore ku suu kordhayso. Waxaan anigu galay qol aan iftiinkiisu wacynayn halkaas oo habarta wayni dhabarkeeda u jiifto iyada oo lugaheeda si aada ah u kala qabatay. Taas kelideed waxay ahayd wax shoog leh! Waxay iyadu noqotay naagta ugu arxanka daran ee aan anigu waligay la kulmo markay tidhi ‘
Waryaa soo gasho hee, xaa sugee’ tani waxay si aada iigu sii badisay cabsida laakiin maan haysan fursad kale oo aan ahayn inaan qaato amarka iyo inaan ku ducaysto in farad ii furmo. Niyad jabkayga wuu ii kici waayay guskii markaas bay habartii igu tiri ‘waryaa iga dulkac oo lacagtayda i sii’ Ana aan idhi ‘ eedo lacagta waan ku siinayaa ee idaa aan cabaar kula joogee’ waxay iigu jawaabtay isii lacagtayda oo joog hadaad rabtid. Dabadeed lacagtii baan siiyay, cabaar anigu la joogay oo dabadeedna ka baxay. Saaxiibkay baa i waydiiyay siday wax u dhaceen markaas baan ku idhi ‘khatar macalinka’. Waxuu yidhi waxaad ku jirtay waxbadan marka aad baad adigu ugu soo raaxaysatay oo aan ku idhi si cajaayib leh, mahadsanid, maadaama oo isagu bixiyay darbadan khasaartay. Waxuu isagu rajaynayay in waayo aragnimadani joojin doonto waxii na dhex mari jiray, laakiin wuu qaldanaa.
Fasaxii ugu xusuusta badnaa ee aanu wada qaadaanay waxa uu ahaa markii aan tagnay wiig Baraawe oo ah magaalada ugu jacaylka badan Soomaaliya. Inkasta oo aan anaku la joognay qoys waxaa anaka nala siiyay qol isagu lahaa albaab hore oo laga galo iyo iyada oo na siisay siraysigii aan u baahnayn ugu yaraan riyadayda maalmeed. Maalintii waqti danbe baan kici jirnay, cuni jirnay quraacdeena oo aan dabadeed tegi jirnay bada dhawr saacadood. Kadib waanu u soo noqon jirnay qedadeena oo aan hurdo galabeed seexan jiray ilaa inta ay ka qaboobayso. Casarka galabtii waanu qubaysan jirnay oo aan xiran jirnay dharkeena ugu fiican iyo anaka oo aan magaalada u dhaadhici jirnay. Badanaa anaku debada baan wax ka cuni jirnay oo aan kadib shaneemada gali jirnay.
Anaku waxaan sii ahaanay asxaab wanaagsan ilaa waqtigu yimid in uu ka dhoofo wadanka. Waan ooyay maalmo aan dhamaad lahayn oo isaga oo maqan aan xataa reerkooda la sii deganaa. Wadnahayga kala jaban iyagu way fahmeen oo igu yidhaahdeen in ay caadi tahay in loo ooyo saaxiib iina sheegeen wiil kale oo isna dareenkayga oo kale ah muujiyay markii saaxiibkiisii kowaad wadanka ka baxay. Anigu waxaan niyada ku qaboojin jiray xusuustii wanaagsanayd ee aan anigu isaga la qaybsaday sanado badan ilaa aan anigu ka ogaaday galmadayda. Waxaan anigu isaga ugu sii jecelay in aanuu isagu qofna u sheegin waxii na dhex maray maadama aan arkay asxaab naga dhaxaysay iyo qoysaskeena. Isagu waxa uu haa ka kali ah ee aan rabay inaan isku soo banaan baxsho markaan ku laabtay Soomaaliya dhawr sano ka hor markii iigu horaysay laakiin nasiibdaro reerkiisu waxay ii sheegeen in uu wadanka ka baxay marlabaad. Anigu waan isku kalsoonaa, waxaan lahaa saaxiib oo waxaan rabay inaan u sheego sida aan ugu hanwaynahay shaqsiyada cusub ee aan helay iyo in uu isagu waligii saxsanaa. Waxa kale oo aan rabay inaan u sheego in aanan anig ahayn wax buka laakiin bulshadeenu tahay. Sababtoo oo ah sida uu mar isagu igu yidhi inaan anigu buko oo tuug cadaaday oo reerkooda ahi bini-aadamnimo aniga iga fiican uu ahaa. Waqtigaas anigu waan ogaa inuu qaldan yahay oo aan qof dambiila ahi iga fiicnayn laakiin aad baan u sheexsanaa iyo aniga oo daciif ahaa oo aan is difaaci karin.
Soomaalidu waxay tiraahdaa Yurub baa naga dhigtay khaniisiin! Haddii ay tani dhab tahay sababma ayuu wiilkan yari u lahaa dareerka uu qabay isaga oo aan cag soo dhigin Yurub. Sababma ay ku koritaanka bulshada dadka caadiga isku sheegaa ii bedeli wayday. Markii aan anigu yaraa waxaan si joogto uga maqli jiray wiilal kale ‘inay jireen rag iyaku xaasas leh laakiin markay rabaan inay naagahooda u tagaan inay u baahan jireen in nin kale waso’. Markii aan anigu Yurub imi markaan qaan gaadhka ahaa waxaan anigu maqli jiray xantii oo iskumida marar aan la koobi karin. Kadib markii aan anigu is ogaaday inaan khaniis ahay waxaan la kulmay ragii la iiga sheekayn jiray oo iyaku badankooda igu dhiiri galiyay in aanan weligay marna nolosha khaniisiinta raacin. Waxay aniga ila tahay in khaniisnimada sidaas dhaqanka Soomaalida dhexdiisa loogala dhaqmi jiray qarniyo badan laakiin waxaan anigu ku faraxsanay in aniga iyo kuwo kale oo geesiyiin ahi ay doorteen inay ka hadhaan habkaas oo ay sameeyaan go’aan cad kuna noolaadaan daacad hasa ahaatee aad uga sii muhiimsantahay nolol haqab tirleh.
Taadaa ku xigta. Ka sokow waad ku mahadsantahay in aad akhrisato sheekadayda
Farxaan Soomaali
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