My first time won’t be about my first f……but more my first love.
I met her at a very young age around 12 or so. Surprisingly I remember what she was wearing on the first day I seen her. Unbelievable aye (yes I’m Canadian and we say aye.lol) I met at her school. When she walked in the bus I couldn’t help to stare on how beautiful she was. I found myself staring at her ass when she walked by, shy and shocked of my action, I quickly turned away and looked straight ahead.
A year later me and this girl had become bestess friends in the world. I would see her 18 hours a day…no joke no lie. We’d take long walks in the park in the woods, holding hands. We would lay on the grass togueter and play with eachothers hair. Exchange stories and dreams. Reminise about jokes told in class. She was everything I was looking for in a friend. She was my best friend.
My pen would mold poems beyond my knowledge, express feelings I didn’t think I could feel for another human being. At the end of the 7th grade I had written a whole entire book full of poem.An entire 4 page just talking about her brown eyes…or her sublime smile,or her incredible smell…her touch, her feel, her presence….But I never had the courage to give it to her. School was done..and the last day of school I couldn’t help to cry. Cuz I knew that our 18 hours a day…wouldn’t be 18 hours a day. That I wouldn’t see her in my class everyday. That 18 hours would be now cut down to 10…or perhaps less. Summer time came…and she hadn’t deceive me. She’d wake up at 8 am…and be at my house. My family would call her “the stalker”, always askin me “don’t dis girl got a home” and I just lauff and say…”ya here is her home”.
She’d jump in my bed early in da morning,(yes she lets herself in my house…she was a regular.ha ha) always talking so fast like she was in a rush to get all her words out and tell me about wut she had done…or was planning to do.
School year came back around…8th grade.i’m all grown up. We’re back at skool doing the same old routine. Man I loved going to school…and I was sooooo good at it too.
I would always read the books and lessons in advance so that if she had questions I’d b ready to answer dem. And await on a compliment such as “oh ur so smart” or “how do u kno all dis”..lol yes her compliments rocked my world. She could say sum like u smell rlly nice today…and I’d b happy for the rest of the day.
But till this point I didn’t know that I loved her more then friends. She usto tell me all the time I love you. Face to face and in notes,in msn on the phone…and I’d just blush. And shy away. One day I had forgotten my shirt at her home and she called me telling me that she slept with it..and that she loves how I smell.And it felt like I was sleeping next to her. And she was makin her mom smell the shirt…that’s when her mom said to her “I swear you and nina(me) are lesbians,you guys will get married soon”.
That’s when everything just hit me. I loved this girl more then any friend I ever have. I wake up each morning looking forward to seing her. I write poems for this girl, I cry when she’s away,she feels so good when she’s pressed up against my body like when we hug, I get shy when she’s around, I say stupid things but yet she still laughs at them. I spend hours and hours talking on the phone with her. Or just lay in bed next to her and not say a word. I quickly ended the phone call and said I had to go and I’d call her back.
I was so shocked..me…liking another girl? Me who has always condemned other homosexuals, and lauffed at homo’s on T.V and said that they will all burn in hell. Me who pray, fast, has a family… me liking girls? I couldn’t believe it. So I chose not to speak to her again. 30 minutes passed and she called me…”oh I missed u” she said.
And I giggled and said “ its only been half an hour” then she replyed. “well it felt like eternity”. Oh did I mention that she had a boyfriend.ha ha and she wasn’t gay either.
My mind was telling me not to speak to her again…but my heart had a different plan.
Then I just settled with she is the greatest best friend in the world. That we had reached a friendship beyond comprehension, and that labels were not needed. That I was not gay,and neither was she. She was just a friend that I overly-loved. Yes, that must be it! Cause I am muslim…I am a muslim. I am a Muslim! I repeated to myself a million times.
On her b-day I made her a collage-album picture thingy. Well I took a booklet, like sum sort of album photo dat I crafted myself. Cut/paste it poems that I had written for her…and photo’s that we had taken togueter. So that day early in the morning I went to her house (of course I called her at midnight to b da first one to wish her happy b-day) so I went to her house early morning. Took her to our woods(its dis place we usto go at) sat her down.She was all smiley and beautiful. So I handed her the album picture.
She started flipping trough the pages and tears started to roll down her cheek. I gently took my hand and wiped her tears, And I asked “why so blue”.. she looked at me and said “why do you love me so much” and I just sat there….Moi,poet,writter, always having a thousand words to say or to write. Didn’t have nothing to reply at that point. All that could come out of my mouth was “ I umm…… I dkn” then she smiled and said “Noone in this world has loved me as much as u have…not even my own parents… I dkn how I can love you so much but I do. I could stay here forever with you…and I wouldn’t want nothing else, or go anywhere. I told you many times why I love you and why you mean the world to me. But I have always wondered…why do you love me?
I really didn’t know what to reply, ok I lyed..i had a thousand and millions of response of why I loved her. My heart can write songs, my voice can hit high notes and my mind can compose symphonies for this girl…..but no I don’t wanna admit it. I don’t wanna be a sinner.I’m a Muslim, I AM a Muslim. Je suis Musulmane, I repeated a thousand times in my head. I just smiled and said “do you like the gift” I asked, ignoring the question and suffocating my feelings, drowning my heart….in eternal sorrow. So we went on a whole year being friends…but doing what lovers do. Going the extra mile for one another, putting our friendship before any relationship with a man, spending evry second with one another, sleeping in eachothers arms. It was the perfect life. Nothing sexual…so I was not doing anything wrong, so Allah cant b mad at me I’d always say to make myself feel better. I’d go to da Dooksie(muslim skool) on Saturdays and would spend da whole time just thinking about her….day dreaming about things we done. Wonderi
ng what she was doing at this moment…was she thinking about me too. Then I snap back to reality and chase wtv dirty thoughts we’re slowly infiltrating my mine. Realising that I was in a holy establishment and wicked thoughts are not permitted. That thinking about her beautifull pink lips or her cut lil but was not permitted.
Saturday dooksie is done, I rush home. Take a shower. Try to look pretty. Wear a lil make up,lip gloss, put on my sexy outfit. And off I go to her house. She said she had a new book she’s been waiting to read to me. She always had books to read to me…and I pretended I dint like dem..so dat she can continue to force it upon me.ha ha (I like when I’m force to do things..its a major turn on).
So now I’m in her bed, laying down with my head on her lap. I was holding one of her hands in my hands while her other hand was holding the book. I was slowly playing with her fingers, skeezing dem,….rubbing her palm with my thumb at first. Then I placed a gentle kiss on her palm, den slowly kissed the tip of all her fingers. She dropped the book…and I sat up. I swallowed my saliva and asked frighten… if I kissed you..what would you do? Then she replyed I’d wanna kiss u…but babe..if u sliped tongue in there. It wouldn’t be a simple kiss nomore..and we wouldn’t just be friends. My heart beating a million miles an hour….my palms getting sweaty. She closed her eyes…started leaning forward. I closed mine…..she placed her lips on my lips. I couldn’t breath anymore…she gently grabbed my lower lip with her lips..and started sucking on it. I could only wonder…..how can sumthing that feels this good be so wrong?
I grabed the back of her hair with a fist full of hair as the kiss was getting more passionate,and more wet.
See she leaned in to kiss me,slipped a tongue in,
nd i realised damn she french kissed me.
see i pulled away,ran away never looked away,
or back,cuz da fact,dat i kinda like it,made me psyched.
“i kissed a girl nd i liked it”
c i never liked dat tune cuz i was SO intune
wit my sexual orientation,but since her tongue
gave me da salutation,now im second guessin.
question my existence,my religion,my god…am i sinin?
c she was my bestfriend,my homegirl,my confident.
wiped away my cry’s,held me trough da nite,
told me beautifull lies,sayin evrything will b alrite
each time i fell for da wrong type of guy
i was in like wit her…no dyke shit wit her.
i would die for her kill for her…den dont she
desurve for me to b real wit her? cuz i kno deep
inside wut i feel for her…(pause) aint right in society
Nd my family’s eyes.
so i just supress my feelings…get a box of chocolate nd begin da healing.